Bad habits.

I talk a good deal about self-improvement in this journal, but upon looking back I see I've made little to no progress. After trying "like, really hard" for a month or so, the bad habits slip right back in and I'm right back where I started, if not worse off.

Fortunately at the moment I don't feel I'm worse off, but I can definitely say I've shirked responsibility entirely too much. I've spent a lot more time doing absolutely nothing (and being completely conscious of it while I do so) than I really should -- even NaNoWriMo, the ultimate distraction, has suffered a few full days' neglect. That's, like, 10k behind, if I'm trying hard.

Of course, I'm always going in and coming out of the quasi-nihilist thing where I bitch about how success is defined relatively and I shouldn't have to adapt to modern society's petty, bourgeois values on my search to find happiness. I think in the end I always settle on the moderate position between spitting on said values and hoisting myself up to show just how strong I am that I can handle them.

Fact is, you can't win the game without playing it.

Parasites eat systems from the inside, leech their lives from their habitats. It's fair. It's natural. It's just as natural as playing the game by the rules and winning that way. It's just as natural as saying "screw the game" and living by what sounds good at the time.

And I could go on about the myriad philosophies behind the phrase "do what you want" but y'know . . . I don't want to.

But back to what I was talking about -- I'm so horrible about saving my money for future enjoyment, but I enjoy spending it also . . . that's the issue in a nutshell. Bide my time -- invest it -- or piss it away doing silly, unproductive, enjoyable things? What's more important to me, now or later? Carpe futura, carpe diem . . .

Comments

[Gentleman Spy]

I remember when we were talking about how it's hard to change habits without getting really pissed off about how crappy a pattern we've slipped into. But as soon as we feel slightly better it seems like we feel it's ok to "treat ourselves," but for serious, WHO THE HELL DON'T. You know.