Ex-Vox: Dyejob on Progress

Entomology.

Again, we are embarking on another semester that starts out full of promise (and full of my own promises), accompanied by new projects I would like to work on.

 
This semester I'm attempting 15 units. My mom knows about 12 of them, but the extra 3 I'm paying for myself, and taking online. It's the makeup course for Journalism 1, because I got a D due ONLY to my own laziness. Seriously, LAZINESS. Nothing else to blame. I got plenty of points for what few assignments I turned in. That class must be cake. I'm just lazy. The rest of the semester consists of two other journalism classes, cultural anthropology (maybe I can try for an AA in Anthropology, heh) and another shot at that Philosophy course I failed a couple years ago.

 
I think I can do it. People may not see much of me outside of work, but maybe that's what I need to get shit done. Less play, y'know. I can stand to be a dull boy for a little while.

 
Sigh. I do this to myself all the time. I start out with high expectations and end up completely destroyed by my own ADD and laziness . . . so a little unofficial New Year's resolution of mine is to follow through with everything. I'm always such a flake, so good at planning and talking things up without actually biting down and seeing them through. Or worse, I do them on such a sub-par level that in the end I'm not satisfied and neither is the expecting party.

 
First project is the online zine, tentatively titled ZXCVB, and I feel like I'm one of two people (of a staff of six or so) who feels driven to get this done. And even then I'm probably the most driven. It shouldn't be so daunting a task to me, as I am always good for a written piece and am no stranger to building a site. The problem mainly lies in feeling a lack of support.

 
Then there's the other project that is maybe a month old now, the whole Alan's-band thing -- more specifically, not letting my bass and guitar (and later, the songs I wrote) go to waste. I taped up a basic chord chart in my room to try and get myself practicing. I think I need one of those squeezy things to strengthen my lefty, because I always get a hand cramp after practicing. Battle scars, I guess, and much love to the calluses forming on the tips of my fingers.

 
With both of the projects, there's an overwhelming feeling of intimidation. I feel like I should be able to do so much more, be much better at these things, be able to tackle them without breaking a sweat, and yet I plague myself with an intense feeling of self-doubt. It's total murder. That's why this year I'm actually going to do the things I say I'm going to do, and damn the feelings of boredom or loneliness that intersperse. There's supposed to be a sweet reward for accomplishing what you set out to do, and that reward is supposed to be better than any instant gratification I'd get by just dicking around in my supposed free time. So, goodbye to all of that and hello to the most boring semester of my life.

Mercury.

Let's sum up 2006 in one compound word: BULLSHIT.

I've done no good for myself. I can't say I'm any smarter, healthier, richer, more capable, or closer to independence than I was at this point last year. If anything, I'm quite worse off. That's BULLSHIT.

Well, at least I can say I've struck a few things from this list:

Things I have been thinking about spending money on:
* My own Netflix account Thanks, Erich
* That $20 swiveling office chair from Ikea
* A cell phone that I actually likeRazr for Xmas!
* A new iPod Thanks, Mom

And now, a special footnote list on making my room a sanctuary . . .
* Get a new VCR
* Replace my piece-of-crap stereoI might've meant the blue one, but I like the blue one now
* Get that damn tea set!
* Oh man, a fridge.

Some of those things were struck out because they were obtained, and some were just struck out because I don't think they'd be a good idea. Er, well, the fridge is the latter. Anyway, yay for a list with things crossed off.

I also have optimism going into 2007, a lot of hopes invested in it and the potential it carries.

Miracle of miracles, I passed all my classes, even my journalism classes (is a D passing these days?), but I didn't do that well in them. I need to start doing well in school, stop treating it like some bullshit thing I don't have to focus on. It's actually important, pertinent to what I'd like to do in the future. And for me to be doing so poorly and being so lazy is really an insult to my own intelligence, brutal abuse and neglect of my capabilities. It's been so easy for me, and for our generation, to just *know* that we're so smart and capable without showing it. We're letting ourselves go to waste, and that's why the generations above us thinks we're a bunch of imbeciles -- not like the generation after us, who are genuinely stupid.

And I need to start working out. I'm reconsidering the gym membership. I doubt my body can afford another year of simply gaining weight. Not glamorous in the least, my friends. It'll all be for the better, I'm sure, and I'll bitch and moan the whole way but I'll end up happy about my decision later.

And of course, I need to save money. Blah blah blah. Don't go out as much. Eat cheap. Control my food at home. Clip coupons. Conserve gas. Whatever.

I'm going to turn 22 this year. In short, I need to grow the fuck up.