Summer's upon us and I'm happy but for no real good reason, so it's twice as weird as being depressed with good reason.
I did horribly this semester: an A, two Ds, and an F. My cumulative GPA is probably just a notch over 2.0. I'll never ever escape school. Wish I were one of those people who could budget everything -- time, money, escapist desires. Or, I wish I didn't want to do anything but go to school and work, so that going to school and getting a good job would just come naturally to me and it'd make me happy.
Wouldn't it be nice to simply be satisfied? It's like Jhonen Vasquez's interpretation of Heaven, a place where people have every power they could possibly desire, but they desire nothing and simply sit blissfully with no obligation.
Pressure to move out this summer, or at least before the end of the year, is on. It's on thick. Everyone around me has finally reached a frantic point where a plan might actually come to fruition. I don't know why I can sleep in so late and wake up in time for a night shift at an ice cream parlour and think, "GAHD, what am I doing WROOONG" -- so it's frustrating that I'm frustrated and yet I know how to solve the problem.
I feel like the past four years I've just been getting worse and worse about doing what needs to be done instead of just what I want to do. People always say you only live once, so do what you want and live it up and be happy. Weird thing is, doing the fun, irresponsible, unimportant things that I like to do makes me feel unhappy when I realize that I've been wound up with those instead of taking care of shit that will pay off later and bring me a deeper sense of happiness:
- Get a secure, well-paying job
- Finish school with a decent degree
- Move out of my parents' house
I can't see how any of that would make me unhappy. A little more stressed, a little busier, sure, but if I can just control myself I can't see how I could stay unhappy.
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